March 2nd - The Curse of Caring
I think the biggest ‘blessing and a curse’ is that the things that make us the happiest can also make us the unhappiest. It’s the curse of caring.
Last night I couldn’t fall asleep because one of my clients asked if he could call me this morning. Rationally, I knew he was happy with the work I was doing for him. Irrationally, my mind was spinning. Was he calling to fire me? To tell me off for asking him to pay for another round of revisions? To let me know that I charge too much for what I do? That I no longer was worth his time and money? I finally fell asleep not by convincing myself that my frantic thoughts were irrational, but by convincing myself that it wasn’t a huge deal if he fired me.
When I make a client happy, I’m on a high all day. No one can touch me. But when a client doesn’t understand something that I put my everything into, I’m crushed. I start second guessing everything I create and why I create and if I even am worth creating.
“Even if I am worth creating.” I’m guessing to a lot of people, this phrasing might seem off - didn’t she mean ‘even if there are things worth creating?’. I promise, though, the first is what I mean. When I’m at my lowest as an artist, I start thinking about how many talented people there are in this world and how important their voices are to me. Should I really be congesting that beautiful space with my art? What if my art just isn’t as important, or doesn’t speak to people in the same way? Am I just taking attention away from the art that’s important? Am I worth it?
On my highest days as an artist, I know that I am, of course, worth it. I know that there is infinite space out there for creative minds and their creative opinions. My creations are not in direct competition with other creations for mere existence. There is space here for everyone to exist.
Anything that we’re passionate about carries that double edged sword. (Also, can we talk about the phrase ‘double edged sword’ and how it doesn’t really make sense? A sword with two edges? Is that not two negatives? Oh well, I digress".) Whether that passion be art or writing or a person - something you love has a huge amount of power that you have given it through your love. The curse of caring.
